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Home of Michael Perry – Author, Humorist, Singer/Songwriter, Amateur Pig Farmer

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Posts Tagged ‘cows’

Neighbors Got a Cow

Y’know how it is in the country, sometimes you’ll get a call from the neighbor needing some help with unloading a cow. So you get on your tractor (OK, your mother-in-law’s tractor) and you head on over there.

More photos of the cow in transit over here.

Who made the cow? Our own Steve Bateman, who made Transmission Man and also works in less permanent mediums…

I’m That Kinda Cow

Thank you Monroe. I get to see and talk in so many neat buildings. Now I’m driving home.

Before the event I was asked to briefly address a local leadership group by answering some questions. One of the questions was (I’m paraphrasing both the question and my answer from memory): If you were a cow, would you be the cow who would willingly go into its stall, or would you be the cow that has to be coerced into entering its stall?

I told them I would be the cow who wanders out the lane, forgets where he was going, accidentally finds a hole in the fence, and by the time the farmer notices I’m not in my stall I’m three counties away eating cattails in some swamp.

Theoretical Beef

Had a meeting with my wife and my pal Mills last night, planning for this year’s protein projects. Deciding how many meat chickens to raise, how many pigs, and whether or not we’ll be able to pull off raising some beef. As many of you know, I had the same plans for last year but due to my schedule, wound up raising “theoretical beef.” They’re very easy to care for, inexpensive, and you can just go on and on about your operation without ever having to actually drive a fencepost.

If You Missed COOP On The Radio

Thank you to Jim Fleming and Wisconsin Public Radio for the gracious reading of Coop.  It’s a humbling honor to hear that coming out of the radio.  And for two weeks I’ve been running into folks who’ve caught a listen.  One of those things a guy never expected…and as a lifelong cheesehead, even more meaningful.

They’re reading a chapter of Coop on Wisconsin Public Radio every day from now until February 12. If you missed a segment, the five most recent chapters are available here: http://wpr.org/webcasting/audioarchives_display.cfm?Code=cad&repeats=no (not sure for how long).

FarmTube

I’ve said it before, but if you’re ever in the Chippewa Valley, a visit to the Chippewa Valley Museum is worth your mileage.  It’s an unobtrusive structure settled close to the earth beneath big white pines remnant of the lumbering days of yore (that filled nearby Half Moon Lake with sawdust).  Their Farm Life exhibit (and the word exhibit doesn’t convey the half of it) has attracted national attention.  I don’t know how to describe it other than to say it’s real, heartfelt, and right. They’ve just posted some YouTube clips to convey a sense of it.

The Rectum? Really?

In Coop I included a section on bovine artificial insemination. Although I strive to write only the most delicate prose, at one point I do set a scene in which the insemination technician (we just called him “the breeder man”) has his arm well up a cow’s rectum.

This has elicited questions from the reading public. They are not alone. Their very same query was raised previously during the editing process. So perhaps the best way to provide the definitive answer is to share a portion of the original exchange.

It began with an email from my editor’s assistant, Jason:

The proofreader raised two questions for you, which I copied below.  Please do let us know where you stand on these finer points of husbandry.

Thanks,
Jason

The note from the proofreader read:

Cows: In the description of inseminating the cows on p. 65, the author writes, “all things considered, their reaction to having a stranger’s arm elbow-deep up the rectum was positively restrained.”  The proofreader wondered whether, since the cows are being inseminated, “rectum” was correct–should it read “vagina” instead?

I replied with an email of my own:

I can respectfully state from a position of firm authority that “rectum” is correct.  The arm is inserted in that specific orifice in order to perform “rectal palpation,” a discomfiting but functional procedure allowing the inseminator to grasp and manipulate the bovine cervix through the pliable rectal wall in a manner calculated to guide insertion of the insemination pipette through the rings of the cervix and into the uterus.  To sum up, and for future reference: Arm in rectum, pipette in vagina.

I was quite proud of myself.  Country mouse educating the folks in New York city, that whole bit.  But my smug didn’t last long, because with one well-placed deadpan pun, Jason hit the gamewinner:

Great–thanks for the big picture.  I’ll rectify the proofreader.