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Home of Michael Perry – Author, Humorist, Singer/Songwriter, Amateur Pig Farmer

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Posts Tagged ‘dumb farmer’

Eggs-plosion

Been having a whole lot of trouble on the egg-laying front this winter. Production dropped off to nearly nothing (there’s always a taper, but this year was especially steep), then when they started laying again, they were devouring all the eggs.

Last week we instituted a program of increased oyster shell, three-a-day collections, and daily re-strawing of the laying boxes. We also added a golf ball to the plastic decoy eggs (supposedly they try to eat the plastic egg or golf ball and get discouraged).

Sixty-some chickens, and yesterday we got 43 eggs.

Including a couple blue ones.

Bounty!

Tractor Oops

On page 225 of Coop, I refer to my father’s Massey-Ferguson 132. It was actually a 135. I am at a loss to explain this error, as I knew very well it was a 135, and have even referred to it as such in a video I did a long time before I wrote the book.

Anyway. Thanks to Dennis, who noted this.

How To Melt Snow

First have the plow truck not start. Then have all the tricks that usually get the plow truck to start, fail. Then, trying to save time so you can leave on time, get stuck backing car into area you would have plowed had the plow truck started. Then realize that among the many ways new cars are programmed to think for you is included some evil chip that limits the rpms so you can’t burn through ice to dirt the way you did on the old Ford. And so on. Top off with the realization that no rage is more futile or more self-fueling than rage directed simultaneously at an inanimate object and one’s own unfunny incompetence.

Later one cools down and quietly thanks one’s wife for coming out to drive while he pushed.

Then There Was The Time…

Reading the responses to yesterday’s post I am reminded of the time I was doing some spring plowing for my brother. The tire on the plow’s trailing wheel went flat, so I pulled out at the end of the row and headed home, not noticing that the combination of the flat tire and the uphill access to the county road affected the hypotenuse of the plow’s relationship to the earth in such a manner that the first plowshare slipped neatly beneath the asphalt and rolled up a patch the size and thickness of a 100-pound brownie. There followed a rather desperate display in which I performed a hyperkinetic two-footed stomp-dance, trying to get the brownie back in the pan, as it were, before someone in an orange truck happened by…

Yah, That Was Me…

…totally crushing the holiday spirit of the woman behind me in the bank drive-through when – after an interminable wait, and five lanes of cars lined up clear back to the ATM – I pulled up to the first tube instead of the second tube, thus effectively blocking off one tube and making her wait twice as long as she should have.  Didn’t even realize what I had done until I was unloading the canister and looked in the mirror to see this woman shaking her head with calisthenic vigor.

Can’t blame her.  I woulda been three shades of incandescent.

Happily, my car is in the shop and I was driving a loaner, so I zipped off unrecognized.

Slush Pelting the Windows

Shoulda maybe oughta mounted that snowplow rather than parking it in behind two big loads of firewood that shoulda oughta been stacked in the woodshed by now…

Auction Addiction

I have written in the past about how my buddy Mills and I have auction addictions.  We enable each other, and not in a good way.  And now that good ol’ roughneck auctions are online…oh my.  I just burned five hours emptying some stranger’s basement (Mills had to “teach” a “class” at “the last minute”) (riiiiiight…).  Based on what we saw online, I thought I was picking up four – maybe five – boxes of things.  Um.  Mills’ Dodge Ram full-size box stacked wall-to-wall.

Details?  Maybe in a book someday.  Will say we can now build our dream home…entirely from used produce crates.

I did finally – finally – get the shop vise of my dreams.

A few produce boxes?  And a vice?  That’s not enough to fill a truck box, you say?  Funny, my wife adopted a similar line of inquiry…

At least I didn’t buy a tractor by accident.  As I wrote back in 2006:

Went to an auction yesterday.  One of those happy/sad days.  Sad because the auction signaled the end of an era, as auctions often do.  Folks at whose table I have dined and yapped many a time.  But happy because I got to wander around in the mud shootin’ the breeze with many Nobbern neighbors.  And I bought my wife a bench grinder.  Yessir.  You think I’m joking.

Been awhile since I’d auctioned, and I had to hone my bid nod.  Buddy of mine says you’re shootin’ for about a 12 degree tilt.  There are other issues: At one point I was about to outbid the feller across the wagon when I snuck a peek and realized it was my Dad.  Y’gotta pay attention.

Best story of the day since it didn’t happen to me: My brother accidentally bought a tractor.  Yes.  Accidentally.  Bought a tractor.  He was standin’ there kinda kickin’ the dirt and someone said how you gonna explain that to your wife?  And he said, “I don’t know, I’ve never had to do that before!”

It’s the morning after.  I just called him.  Let’s just say he’s got a strong and patient wife.  His shop floor is heated, but he didn’t have to sleep on it.

Video version of the tractor story here (at least I think I talk about the tractor).

Did Not Fly the Coop

The wind is still freight-training, so I’m not sayin’ we’re in the clear, but I did wake up three times last night to peer out of the window to see if the chicken coop (which is mounted on the running gear from an old haywagon) was still upright, and it was, and is now in the daylight.  I was worried, because when I was in there at dusk, she was just a-rockin’.  It was parked broadside to the wind and the rain had left the ground too soupy to move it.  So, as the blurry rain-whipped cellphone photo below demonstrates, I took measures…

That’s a ground anchor, a boomer, and the chain from my deer-skinner.