But.

Dandy Blend website (DBW): “tastes like coffee…”

Mike: “Um. No.”

DBW: “…without the caffeine”

Mike: “…that’s OK, I get that from coffee.”

DBW: “can be used in any recipe which calls for instant coffee”

Mike: “…if you don’t mind ruining a perfectly good recipe.”

DBW (repeats): “can be used in any recipe which calls for instant coffee”

Mike (patiently): “My mom went through a stage where she replaced all chocolate chips with carob chips.  ‘They taste just like chocolate chips,’ she said.  It was the only time my mother lied to me.  Decades have passed, and still we refer to the Myth of the Carob Chip.”

DBW: “…the rich, full-bodied flavor, smoothness and texture of real coffee.”

Mike: “Off what lonesome dock have you been buying your coffee?”

DBW (repeats, insistently): “…the rich, full-bodied flavor, smoothness and texture of real coffee.”

Mike: “It’s OK to come right out and say you’ve never actually tasted real coffee.”

DBW: “Many say that because it lacks bitterness and acidity, it actually tastes better than coffee.”

Mike: “Many have been licking too many frozen doorknobs.”

DBW (repeats, verging on hysterics): “…it actually tastes better than coffee.”

Mike: “Got yourself a bad case of the curlicue light bulb syndrome there, Dandy Blend”

DBW: “It is so versatile that any type of gourmet coffee beverage made from it is virtually indistinguishable from the real thing…”

Mike: [fabulous spit-take]

DBW: “Try it, you’ll like it.”

Mike: “…whooo, where have I heard that before?”

DBW: “Dangers of Coffee & Caffeine… [entire page follows]”

Mike: “I’m sorry, did someone say something?  I was busy grinding these beans…”

I am preparing a future post on my coffee snobbery.  Unbecoming but undeniable.