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Home of Michael Perry – Author, Humorist, Singer/Songwriter, Amateur Pig Farmer

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Archive for April, 2009

The Rectum? Really?

In Coop I included a section on bovine artificial insemination. Although I strive to write only the most delicate prose, at one point I do set a scene in which the insemination technician (we just called him “the breeder man”) has his arm well up a cow’s rectum.

This has elicited questions from the reading public. They are not alone. Their very same query was raised previously during the editing process. So perhaps the best way to provide the definitive answer is to share a portion of the original exchange.

It began with an email from my editor’s assistant, Jason:

The proofreader raised two questions for you, which I copied below.  Please do let us know where you stand on these finer points of husbandry.

Thanks,
Jason

The note from the proofreader read:

Cows: In the description of inseminating the cows on p. 65, the author writes, “all things considered, their reaction to having a stranger’s arm elbow-deep up the rectum was positively restrained.”  The proofreader wondered whether, since the cows are being inseminated, “rectum” was correct–should it read “vagina” instead?

I replied with an email of my own:

I can respectfully state from a position of firm authority that “rectum” is correct.  The arm is inserted in that specific orifice in order to perform “rectal palpation,” a discomfiting but functional procedure allowing the inseminator to grasp and manipulate the bovine cervix through the pliable rectal wall in a manner calculated to guide insertion of the insemination pipette through the rings of the cervix and into the uterus.  To sum up, and for future reference: Arm in rectum, pipette in vagina.

I was quite proud of myself.  Country mouse educating the folks in New York city, that whole bit.  But my smug didn’t last long, because with one well-placed deadpan pun, Jason hit the gamewinner:

Great–thanks for the big picture.  I’ll rectify the proofreader.

What Did You Write In My Book?

Sometimes I get emails from people wondering what I’ve written in their books.  When asked I personalize them as the reader wishes, but in general I sign a specific thing for each book:

Population 485: Welcome to “Nobbern!” (We locals call New Auburn “Nobbern” or “Nauburn” or any variant spelling thereof.)

Off Main Street: I draw an empty thought bubble above the author photo.  You can fill in your own saying or — this is frankly more appropriate — simply leave the bubble empty.

Truck: Double Clutch! This phrase will be understood by drivers of a certain age.  Failing that, it is explained in the book.

Coop: Oink-a-doodle-doo! Meant to reflect the inclusion of both pigs and chickens in the book.  Sadly, due to my fitful penmanship, many people think I have written, Dink-a-doodle-doo.

OOPS! in Coop #5

These corrections are humbling.  They were brought to my attention by my sister-in-law Leanne.  I wrote in the book I couldn’t bring myself to discuss the details with her and my brother, but I should have.  She was very polite and kind about it, but still.

On page 269, I wrote that the fire chief put Jed and Leanne in his truck.  Leanne says the chief actually drove them in Leanne’s vehicle.

Regarding page 273, Leanne says that although she was carrying Jake during her initial firefighting class, he was born shortly thereafter and she thinks the instructor was actually referring to his surprise when Leanne turned up one week after Jake’s birth, fire gear in hand, ready to continue and finish the class.  Still — I think we can all agree — remarkable.

Finally, Leanne says she is not sure there was a heartbeat.

There are writerly lessons in all of this.  But above all, I want to do right by my family, because they are patient with me and did not ask to be (in fact would in most cases prefer to avoid being) written about.  That Leanne would take the time to read something so personally painful and then respond in such a thoughtful manner only reinforces something I try to remind myself of daily: before the writing, before the books, before any of it, there is family.  And I’m blessed with a fine one.

Studying Roosters

Watching the rooster strut around possessively and noisily while the hens go about their business quietly – actually producing eggs rather than just fancy tailfeathers – one sometimes has the uncomfortable experience of recognizing oneself and the gender in general.  Lotta hot air in a rooster.  I don’t dress that fancy, but I have been known to crow at inopportune moments and to little useful effect.

Rescue Rhyme

Due to my schedule I don’t make as many calls with my local first responder group as I’d like, and with book tour now pretty much underway I won’t make many or any for a while.  But I enjoyed going to training the other night.  It’s just comfortable to hang out in a fire hall with people who speak the language of smoke and rescue.

Safety is always big concern, especially when we work on or near a roadway.  Nowadays we are required to wear reflective vests.  Our training officer sent us a reminder email about this recently, and used a rhyme to drill it into our heads: “If your feet are on the street, your vest is on your chest.”

Looking forward to tour…but also looking forward to being back on the street, vest on my chest.

Home in the Rain

Last night while we were onstage the roof rumbled with rain and hail.  We just turned up the sound a little.  Driving home in the dark I hit some pelting stuff but then it eased off and I listened to AM radio skip until I pulled into the yard.  This morning the girls and I went to the post office and noticed how – despite the precipitous drop in temperature since balmy yesterday – the green buds are popping in the wake of the rain.  Saw a marsh hawk, mourning doves, rabbits, and entertained ourselves just now watching a chicken eat an earthworm.  So spring is here.  For now.  That said, we are now building a fire in the woodstove, the better to enjoy the green-tinged but gray day.